When it didn't mean much in the first place then why is it so difficult now? A big question swirling in the head! Finally, I found the answer.
The feeling of suddenly being needed in somebody else's life gives you a high, even when you know it's just a temporary need somewhere our brain translates it equal to be loved.
Nobody till now had made me part of their life like this before, It was not about romance but pure companionship, just a simple need for my physical presence at every hour of the day. Even after having the awareness that it's temporary and it would come to an end very soon, it was not easy.
The moment this need was gone I suddenly realized I am not desirable anymore and probably never was (at least not in the way I felt it). Facing this truth in the most realistic form was difficult because all my life I have been constantly looking and living to find my purpose of being in this world and in that short moment I had a role, I was needed in somebodies life. In that moment of being with him, I was relieved of my burden of finding a purpose.
So when that role ended, it was not, not being desirable that hurt the most but the fact that I need to find my own purpose was overwhelming. When it all ended I felt like I was floating in space, it was the birth of a Void. A kind of Void that I had never experienced before.
circa March 2014
The feeling of suddenly being needed in somebody else's life gives you a high, even when you know it's just a temporary need somewhere our brain translates it equal to be loved.
Nobody till now had made me part of their life like this before, It was not about romance but pure companionship, just a simple need for my physical presence at every hour of the day. Even after having the awareness that it's temporary and it would come to an end very soon, it was not easy.
The moment this need was gone I suddenly realized I am not desirable anymore and probably never was (at least not in the way I felt it). Facing this truth in the most realistic form was difficult because all my life I have been constantly looking and living to find my purpose of being in this world and in that short moment I had a role, I was needed in somebodies life. In that moment of being with him, I was relieved of my burden of finding a purpose.
So when that role ended, it was not, not being desirable that hurt the most but the fact that I need to find my own purpose was overwhelming. When it all ended I felt like I was floating in space, it was the birth of a Void. A kind of Void that I had never experienced before.
circa March 2014
